These are quotes from anywhere that I enjoy or find amusing. I have removed some of the PG-13 quotes from other lists, and some I have not. Some of these come from a list that my friends and I keep, "the big list," some come from the "show-lists" that I keep at the theatre, and some of them aren't on either, either because they don't fit or they aren't quite up to standard. But this is my site, so I'll include what I want.

"The conspiracy is there is no Earth. We all live on Venus and we don't know it."~Evan

"What would a heterosapian be?"~Gouldie

"I saw a can of tuna in the store that had a picture of a happy dolphin on the label. This lead me to believe there was no dolphin in the tuna. I then saw a can of peanut butter with a happy monkey on the label, which really made me wonder what was in the other brands of peanut butter."~ Evan

"Why are there cards out?"
"We're betting."
"That's illegal."
"We're bootlegging."
"That's illegal too."
"Smuggling cocaine?"
"Still illegal."
"I murdered someone this morning."
-Mr. Walsh and Evan, tenth grade history class

"What are we on?"~ Liz, trying to hear the scene on stage
"I'm guessing LSD."~ Brandon

"SHE LIVES! IT'S A MIRACLE!"~ Julie
"No she doesn't. The corpse just moves around a bit."~ Tara

"Geometry is hard enough when you aren't staring at your teacher's neck, wondering what it would look like seperated from her shoulders."~ E.C.

"But bring your Visa card, because here in Canaan we'll beat our brother and sell him into slavery for you, but we don't accept American Express."-random brother at rehearsal for Joseph...

"When my hatred is complete, I shall rise up, reveal myself to the jedi, and slay you all. Until then, who wants pancakes?"~ Ed

"They can't hit me. Pedestrians have the right of way when jaywalking."-Brandon

Rob: "The doughnut is love." ::somebody at this point probably asks for the doughnut, I couldn't hear:: Rob: "No, you see I must ingest the doughnut so I can then radiate love."

"We are above the system. We mock the system. SNORK!"~ Julie

"I play this guy, Chauvelin, and he's the villain, and he's also the former and better lover of Marguerite."-Terry Mann
"Okay, so the Pimpernel uses Viagra."-Douglas Sills

."It is called silverware."~ Brandon
"Well, find it and remove it. It's interfering with the sensors."~Nathan
"It isn't that simple. It's spread all over the planet. They use it for eating."~Brandon
"What is it made of?"~ Nathan
"Aluminium alloy."~Brandon
"They eat aluminium alloy? These earthlings are stronger than we thought."~ Nathan

"Double double, toil and trouble, patties browned and cheese is double. On the burger lettuce place, add tomato in a paste."~ Mark L.

"Either they're still at the football game, or they were kidnapped and raped by gangs of roving weasels."-Julie

"I have decided that mechanically separated chicken is no longer an acceptable basis for a strong central government."-Evan

"He steals a loaf of bread, and then he suffers for it for the rest of his life... for toast! Get over it!"~Bryan Batt as Darius in "Jeffrey", discussing Les Miserables

"Twinkle, twinkle little- holy crap, its headed right for us!"~ Sair

"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific." -- Lily Tomlin

"We've got 15 minutes to kill. Who goes first?"~ E.C.

"Go out in a blaze of glory, or at least popcorn."-E.C.

"Women keep touching me. They do. They walk over and go 'Soft..."-Nathan

"Dammit Jim, I'm not a doctor, I'm a cross-dresser!"-Brandon

"When I came back to Dublin, I was courtmartialled in my absence and sentenced to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence."~ Brendan Behan (1923-1964)

"I know why the sun never sets on the British Empire. God wouldn't trust an Englishman in the dark."-Duncan Spaeth

"In a novel the hero can lay ten girls and marry a virgin for the finish. In a movie that is not allowed. The villain can lay anybody he wants, have as much fun as he wants cheating and stealing, getting rich and whipping the servants. But you have to shoot him in the end. When he falls with a bullet in the forehead it is advisable that he clutch at the Gobelin tapestry on the wall and bring it down over his head like a symbolic shroud. Also, covered by such a tapestry, the actor does not have to hold is breath while being photographed as a dead man."-Herman Mankiewicz

"When you're away I'm restless, lonely, Wretched, bored, dejected, only Here's the rub, my darling dear: I feel the same when you are here."-Samuel Hoffenstein, Poems in Praise of Practically Nothing

"I have the perfect cure for a sore throat-cut it."-Alfred Hitchcock

"Never waste gravity. Always go downstairs, never up."-Mr. Clark

"Do you think if Ben Franklin was in this bar he'd hit on me?"-Natalie from Sports Night

"Do you suffer from choking?"-radio add
"I don't suffer from choking. I enjoy it. Especially when the victim's face starts to turn funny colors"- E.C.

"Everybody thinks I'm this idiot, and nobody knows it's all a facade (pronounced "fah-kade"). Who's the idiot now?"-Vice President Matthews in My Fellow Americans

"'October 8, 1998 A.D.' 'A.D.' They're afraid I might accidentally show up two thousand years before the birth of Christ."-Casey on Sports Night

"Help! Help! Rape! Rape!"-Joe
"That's not rape! Here, I'll show you rape."-Missy

"Smurfs are like cockroaches: no matter how many times you step on them, they just won't die."-Brandon

"Late one night I went to bed and there I found my dog was dead."-Mark, singing a sea chanty

"No, no, my own dear love, I love you not!"-Cyrano de Bergerac

"The best part of the fiction in many novels is the notice that the characters are purely imaginary."-Franklin P. Adams

"The best love affairs are those we never had."-Norman Lindsay

"You haven't lived until you have stood in the middle of a bookstore watching a lot of eight and nine year olds slump over as if dead."-Daniel Handler (aka Lemony Snicket.)

"If those three monkeys were here the 'Hear No Evil' one would have shot himself by now." ~ Sean

"It slices, it dices, it makes julienne fries out of your closest friends..." ~ Julie

"He's a lot cuter when he isn't trying to sleep with his sister."-Carly (on Joaquin Phoenix in Quills vs. in Gladiator.)

"I was looking up at the stars last night, and I wondered... '..Where the hell's my ceiling!?!?!?'"-Tomas Adams

"Do you know what will happen to me if the bridge is not ready in time?"
"I haven't the foggiest."
"I'll have to kill myself. What would you do if you were me?"
"I suppose if I were you, I'd have to kill myself. Cheers."- the Japanese colonel and Sir Alec Guinness, in The Bridge on the River Kwai.

" 'Why are they arresting Santa?' 'It's called shoplifting. The elves couldn't finish on time.'"-Brandon

"Such beauty...such grace...such charisma...if it weren't a sword, I'd date it."-Brandon

"No man is an island, but if you tie a bunch of dead guys together they make a good raft." -Jason

"I felt like a nervous, tongue-tied schoolboy. But where could I find one at this time of night?" -Paul Merton

"You will not leave by the window. You will leave by the door. It is healthier."-Javert, Les Miserables

"I like my coffee like I like my women. Cold and bitter."-Todd

"I'm like the Ellis Island of lunatics. Bring me your psychotic, your suicidal, your relationship impaired...."-Jon

"The terrorists don't want to get the Mouse angry at them."
"Yeah, because then all they'd have would be Joseph the Dry-Humping Camel."-Neil

"If you can't lead a horse to water, let him eat cake."-Jason

"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is white, the best golfer is black, The Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the US of arrogance and Germany doesn't want to go to war."~ Unknown

"Murder is the sincerest form of flattery."-Tony

"We're not killing baby seals for food or fur. We're killing them for revenge!"-C.J